is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
