I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
