I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
