Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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