So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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