you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
