i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize