It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
