I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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