Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
