You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
