hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
