The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize