saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Of course I have a pirate flag
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
