so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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