you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
