Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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