he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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