then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
