Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
