I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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