hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wish they made helmets for livers.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize