The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
porn star boner night. come get it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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