He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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