True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
