just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
