Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
