That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
