Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
