End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
