theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
