I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
