my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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