I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
