Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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