There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
