I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
