you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
