Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize