I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
