cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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