Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
