sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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