I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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