yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
