Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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