I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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