I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize