my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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