I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize