I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
