the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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