I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
