And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
