btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
