YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
