nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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