shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
